Concretely Surrounded.

I'm sitting here building a concrete wall around my heart. A wall that could any time just fall apart. But here I am slapping on the layers of dirt and tar and gritty particles to cloud my mind, a fog that blinds.
I'm building my concrete wall and inside it's getting colder. I've tried building a fire, I had some warmth left in me, but I had that torch thrown back at me. A flame was rekindled but quickly stepped on and flung into some abyss. Now I'm out of fuel and I've got no lighter. And the walls are stone cold, brittle like the bones of someone so old.
I don't know if I should bash a hole in this wall and allow some light. It's a precarious move. A tiny instability could bring down my fort. I am to let no one in.
There can be no fracture in my wall. No signs of weakness creeping out.
If anything goes wrong outside, I am to remain tall.

Out of Nowhere

I was taking a walk through my past and I noticed something interesting. I think I left and lost some part of myself when I tried to change my personality into this more positive, happier and optimistic person. This kind of change shouldn't be a bad thing, but I feel like with that part of me gone, along went with it some of my creativity.

I bid goodbye to my emo and poetic self, and said hello to my happier, but more rigid self.


I find it hard to want to maintain my thoughts and memories of things that happened in the recent times, because I can easily forget them and not be bothered by them that way. So I get lazy about writing a diary and making notes of my day, things that were an inseparable part of my life in the past. But I feel like it's such a waste, to let those memories slip away...

Out of nowhere I'm writing this, as if I haven't already got enough on my hands. Ah. I am a really confused person.

Little Acorns Come From Great Oaks

🌰

Even though thanksgiving is over, I feel extremely thankful, today in particular, about being "forced" to continue with my studies and doing my Honours Year by marmee noodles. All I thought about was the project and how tough and painful it was going to be (before I even chose a project at that time) and I thought little of what satisfaction and achievement I would gain through it. Even now I feel mostly exhausted every day, and I'm seeing stars both during the day and at night, and sometimes I wish I could leave my project aside and do some drawing and some dreaming... but I'm certainly thankful that along with my project, I also have my modules. 

The modules I've taken over the past year have really been inspiring. Not all, but the ones that have been are enough to make up for the ones that haven't. Notable examples being Global Change Biology, and currently, Tropical Conservation and Ecological Systems (a geog module). Although I've only had 1 or 2 lectures for the latter two, I feel like I'm ever more keen to learn about the world, and that what I've learnt to date pretty much amounts to nothing. It's the attitude of the lecturers that really extract an interest in impressionable stewdents like myself. A stewdent being a human being that's really more like a pot of stew, having random things thrown into it and being slowly boiled and brewed into something delicious - something that perhaps could be fed to others too and have the ingredients/information transferred. Hopefully all that would not simply be passed out as crap, but of course, even crap goes back into the Earth as fertilizer. 

Through my project I can feel my limits being pushed ever to the max. I don't remember ever being so tired in my life and now is merely the beginning. But when I share my project with others, they all have the same bewildered and also curious reaction (maybe to make me feel better, but mostly genuine in my impression) that makes me feel that my project has some sort of baby thumbprint on them already, before it's even halfway complete. And I feel that my efforts are worth something, and that the outcome would not simply be a certificate. 

I feel an even stronger reason to be studying what I'm studying as I find out more and more, even if I don't become a scientist in the future, because the lessons are so closely linked to life, that i could not simply live without knowing about those things. Just being part of this Earth is my reason for wanting to attend classes about conservation and ecology and biodiversity, even if I don't know if I will contribute greatly to the advancement of these pursuits. Attending many of these lessons make me sad (especially global change) because they expose me to the real troubles of the world, and I tried to hide from them before because I didn't want to feel sad about them, but now I think being sad is good, because it helps when you want to stop being sad, and start to think of ways to do something about the bad stuff. And many of the people doing something for conservation out there are probably doing it because the sad state of the earth makes them sad too. 

Like, I am more determined to pursue my forest lifestyle, and more motivated to try to resist the temptation of the modern stuff (sadly, i say this while typing on my smartphone). As much as possible I will try. 

I start to get incoherent when I say too much, but this is just me ranting, really. 

Anyway. I really just meant to say that I'm thankful that I'm still in school learning about things that matter to me instead of hiding from them, and instead of being just adsorbed in working and making money to satisfy all my material desires, of which there are plenty, and which i may get swallowed up in, and forget the things that matter more. 

So thanks ma! You really do know best!

1st day of my last semester

今学期、第一の予定はカンニンちゃんとJBに遊びに行くんだ！

嵐というレストランで鍋を食べた 🍴

安くて、おいしくて、最高だ！

キウィジュースもおいしかった！

辛、

飯いのあと、ネール！

買い物~ 🍊

晩ご飯、お腹いっぱい、、、

学校の始めは休みの感じだ！🍎

楽しい、大好き 🍡

これからも、このような生活ー 最高！

笑、o(^_-)O 夢だけじゃないか？

The Daily Cranberry

i looked into your eyes

and saw the moon 

retreating into a sunrise

it came too soon

i've lived in darkness all my life

and all i've known

is just an icy cold that

freezes to the bone.

I was alone.

I was alone.

In full bloom,

the dazzling glitter in the heavens

made me calm

I looked through

a looking-glass and felt the world

revolve around

i heard the sounds

of nighttime 

shooting stars come

crashing to the ground

i thought i'd found

a paradise 

but now i look into your eyes

and see the morn

a new day born

but yet it pierces like a thorn

into my spirit, this new dawn

this blanket full of warmth

burns with unfamiliarity

i don't know if i'm strong

enough to leave my solitary life

my shelter in the darkness

where imaginations thrive

this new beginning came too soon

just one last glimpse of melting moon

And in your eyes the rising sun

Began the start and end begun.

- a new string of words that seem to fit.

 And I suspect this stems from my FYP worries. It resembles myself in the process of measurements too much, a lonely figure hunched over a set of instruments, lights on that side of the room switched off to enhance the visualisation of the light spot in the machinery... doing what she can before daylight comes... 

ps. the title is because I can't think of one

Chase and Capture

One day you may find yourself walking over a masterpiece, a landscape that slightly resembles the shire, with its rolling hills and vibrant green and speckled with burnt caramel leaves.

And yet, a beautiful place as this, you want to leave and explore new lands. It's not a bad thing, and for you it's more than just a dream.

You must go, and take me with you in spirit and soul.

Chase it, Capture it, and Cherish it.

One day my dreams will be real too. In the meantime, I wish you adieu! mon ami! 

:D

- photograph taken at bedok reservoir

2014

Let 2014 be beautiful, fulfilling, enchanting, amazing and enlightening for one and all! And here is a silly poem/rap if you please, to top it all off!

Roads are ever winding

Winds are never dying

Storms are ever brewing

But people never crying

Everyone just trying

Even if it's tiring

Everyone just vying

be the one that's soaring, flying

And no one ever gives up

No one ever gives in

would be the greatest waste

The greatest sin ever seen

And together we all make it

The coming year, we take it

never to forsake it

two-o-fourteen - I'm ready for it.